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everything or selected works


dave & the dog

as much as i miss her, it was grandma's time to walk with the grim reapster

i think the red line crossing out the swastika on your shirt could be a tad thicker

i was really moved by your beautiful trombone solo until you pressed a button and made the instrument ejaculate a liter of spit

alec baldwin says he'll never work on a film set with guns ever again but he hasn't read my action/adventure screenplay

why do i have to identify john lennon's dead body if he's one of the most identifiable people of all time?

quiz: in 1997, trisha yearwood and leann rimes had the song "how do i live" on the radio at the same time. can you tell them apart?

you don't like my bedazzled crown of thorns? wow, so now you're persecuting me like i'm Jesus Christ

oh no, i just realized i'll never be able to see the elephant's foot at chernobyl!

hello, i'm alfonso cuarón and i desperately need help deciding what my next project should be

the 51 terms for snow that i invented to one up the inuits

a rhyme to help remember the former presidents of the smiling hill farm company, family-owned since 1720


the many ways to pronounce potato and tomato

i'm the foley artist whose movie won the palme d'or and now i teach NYU students – 50K a semester – how i created all the sound effects with my ass

excuse me, one of the strippers stole my hat and i'd appreciate if i could have it back please 

negative reviews of Music edited by sia’s assistant so she wouldn’t get upset when she read them

an early draft of john cougar mellencamp’s song Small Town that used the phrase “small town” even more liberally than the final version

sheriff flirts with tumbleweed that has juicy, feminine lips


world record marathon times vs. how long it took to drive the same length

points in case

easy "would you rather..." questions  (featured in A Newsletter of Humorous Writing)

i've got good news and bad news

indisputable facts about penguins

biblical figures stub their toe

i don't feel like the dish soap we fed those oil-covered ducks really did anything helpful

what i said in the handshake line after the hockey game where i told the media we'd win, sang a taunting rendition of the national anthem, talked way too much trash, and lost fifteen to zero

no, i didn't name my child michael jordackson so he'd aspire for greatness as an nba player or world-renowned musician (featured)

signs that the person you're talking to might be from new york

the yard work will have to wait until i recover from this nasty case of havana syndrome

i mcthink there was mcsomething in that mcchicken

an open letter to people who hold up their middle finger in instagram photos


parallel universes where a football coach wins the game and the team dumps gatorade on him (featured)

words and phrases banned from the U.S. mint staff email where employees print $38 million a day for $40,000 a year (featured)

aphorisms from the notebook of a guy who is really into cured meats


secret menu from the long john silver's next to an apartment that sells adderall 

my family is going to be so surprised when i jump out of this paper refuse bag today, yard waste collection day


farm to table. table to fork. fork to mouth. food to throat. air to throat. hands to chest. hands to chest. hands to chest. (featured)

on second thought, swallowing my car keys to avoid getting carjacked was probably a bad idea (featured)

i finished making my first batch of chardonnay and i'm looking forward to selling it in 17 years

suggestions from the suggestion box at my teppanyaki restaurant where i make all the food with my bare hands (featured)

now that i've power washed my marriage proposal to you, i guess i can't finish power washing the rest of the driveway


FAQ about the hell button i had installed in the elevator  (featured)

broadcast of a baseball game between dads checking on a sound in the middle of the night with baseball bats and louisville slugger factory workers who test bats for quality assurance  (featured)

breaking the news to my 85 year old grandpa that he missed halley's comet and it won't be back until 2061

the order of all things that has not at all been affected by my recent oil change

quiz: beekeeper suit or fencing uniform?

the total amount of money in each of our ​swear jars since 147 chilean rose hair tarantulas invaded our home as heard on Seersucker Live 2020

list: 20 more eerie coincidences between lincoln & JFK's assassinations


how to parallel park a limousine in a laser security maze


scooby doo's best man speech at shaggy's wedding


the email conversation i had with my middle school vice principal after repeatedly butt-dialing him while riding a mechanical bull


two fifty one

famous last words

i got two words for you: help me

patriotic erotica 

kennedys who are preferable to RFK Jr. 

last surviving witnesses to historical maritime events

i'm out of order? you're out of order! this whole court is out of order!

can you turn off the heart monitor while i perform this surgery, it's making me really nervous

if you gave me money, i wouldn't be mad

worst times to play the name game

there are way too many people crowd-surfing right now

the lyrics to kool & the gang by the band kool & the gang off their debut album "kool and the gang"

results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat

guilt-induced monologue: blaming yourself 

a list of every notable person who wore a hitler mustache

weekly humorist

you want me to talk? what's next, i gotta sing and dance?

resolving the diarrhea paradox

24/7 diners on every celestial body

an awkward silence in the car

fight or flight or flex

how NFL teams got their names best of the year: editor's picks of 2022

if only my immigrant great grandfather could see me now, he'd say "where am i?" best of the year: editor's picks of 2022

three digit phone numbers to memorize next time you're in a jam

i love self-checkout because i never steal and i always pay for each of my items every time best of the year: editor's picks of 2022

brainstorm for dolly parton's google doodle

closing credits from the biopic of charles lindbergh's baby

we're the restaurant underneath the eiffel tower and people have traveled from all over the world to eat our food!

i'm a 9 year old piano prodigy and pay no mind to the scars all over my body


wow, i thought i was having a psychotic episode but it was just that weird suction noise my water bottle makes

whoever keeps spreading rumors around about me being really charming needs to stop it right now

the doctor says i need more cheese in my diet and that you can take it up with him if you disagree or think i'm lying because i'm not best of the year: editor's picks of 2021

no, i don't have a gambling problem and here's the bank statement from my trip to the carnival to prove it

how to do the impossible: getting water out of a tire

a layman's understanding of food recipes

quiz: pizza cutter wheel or a doctor's head mirror?

angel & devil on my shoulders can agree on one thing: the dandruff also on my shoulders is gross best of the year: editor's picks of 2020

witnesses describe a dueling piano bar performance that ended in bloodshed

unearthed time capsule reveals nothing but this written explanation by a procrastinating time capsule committee from 1979


i hope i didn't embarrass you by shitting my pants while we sat courtside at the laker game

robot butt

negative reviews of Waterworld edited by Kevin Costner's assistant so he wouldn't get upset when he read them

the very few potential reasons to celebrate anything on july 4th

i think something might be going on

artificial-intelligence generated celebrity impersonations

flexx magazine

trash can can't handle much more after empty shampoo bottle thrown away


father, why does our family tree go dark in the 1930s and '40s and then resurface in 1987?

i thought i had an okay car until an amber alert showed me that the abductors had a better one

where's waldo? he needs to pay for his crimes

dishonourable unmentionables

the lost final chapter of helen keller's biography


dishonour the right thing [ebook]

what i want to say to every guy with straight hair

what's the best part about your entire family dying from covid-19? the serene thanksgiving you'll have this year!

exactly where i get off and how i sleep at night since you asked

little old lady comedy

a literal interpretation of "it's raining men"

alvin and the chipmunks' christmas song the year after alvin died

the benefits of living inside the queen piece on a giant outdoor chess board

the haven

demonstration of bullet points evoking my trauma for bullets

why do i even bother? it's all been said before in my novels

excerpts from the Cast Away script where wilson the volleyball’s internal monologue was voiced by sir david attenborough

congratulations! it's been 1 day without an accident!

hey! it’s me—your tiniest female friend—who’s texting you because this guy’s been following me for 15 blocks so if i stop replying you should call

smokelong quarterly comedy prize 2021

age i was at my whitest: a comprehensive study (PDF)

† = collaboration with other writer(s)

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