everything or selected works
slackjaw
as much as i miss her, it was grandma's time to walk with the grim reapster
i think the red line crossing out the swastika on your shirt could be a tad thicker
oh no, i just realized i'll never be able to see the elephant's foot at chernobyl!
hello, i'm alfonso cuarón and i desperately need help deciding what my next project should be
the 51 terms for snow that i invented to one up the inuits
the many ways to pronounce potato and tomato
excuse me, one of the strippers stole my hat and i'd appreciate if i could have it back please
negative reviews of Music edited by sia’s assistant so she wouldn’t get upset when she read them
sheriff flirts with tumbleweed that has juicy, feminine lips
world record marathon times vs. how long it took to drive the same length
easy "would you rather..." questions (featured in A Newsletter of Humorous Writing)
i've got good news and bad news
indisputable facts about penguins
biblical figures stub their toe
i don't feel like the dish soap we fed those oil-covered ducks really did anything helpful
signs that the person you're talking to might be from new york
the yard work will have to wait until i recover from this nasty case of havana syndrome
i mcthink there was mcsomething in that mcchicken
an open letter to people who hold up their middle finger in instagram photos
SIR, I AM NOT PLEASURING MYSELF TO THE PIN-UP GIRLS PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF THE WARPLANES, SIR
parallel universes where a football coach wins the game and the team dumps gatorade on him (featured)
words and phrases banned from the U.S. mint staff email where employees print $38 million a day for $40,000 a year (featured)
aphorisms from the notebook of a guy who is really into cured meats
secret menu from the long john silver's next to an apartment that sells adderall
on second thought, swallowing my car keys to avoid getting carjacked was probably a bad idea (featured)
i finished making my first batch of chardonnay and i'm looking forward to selling it in 17 years
suggestions from the suggestion box at my teppanyaki restaurant where i make all the food with my bare hands (featured)
FAQ about the hell button i had installed in the elevator (featured)
broadcast of a baseball game between dads checking on a sound in the middle of the night with baseball bats and louisville slugger factory workers who test bats for quality assurance (featured)
the order of all things that has not at all been affected by my recent oil change
quiz: beekeeper suit or fencing uniform?
the total amount of money in each of our swear jars since 147 chilean rose hair tarantulas invaded our home as heard on Seersucker Live 2020
list: 20 more eerie coincidences between lincoln & JFK's assassinations
how to parallel park a limousine in a laser security maze
scooby doo's best man speech at shaggy's wedding
i got two words for you: help me
kennedys who are preferable to RFK Jr. †
last surviving witnesses to historical maritime events
i'm out of order? you're out of order! this whole court is out of order!
can you turn off the heart monitor while i perform this surgery, it's making me really nervous
if you gave me money, i wouldn't be mad
worst times to play the name game
there are way too many people crowd-surfing right now
the lyrics to kool & the gang by the band kool & the gang off their debut album "kool and the gang"
results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat
guilt-induced monologue: blaming yourself
a list of every notable person who wore a hitler mustache
you want me to talk? what's next, i gotta sing and dance?
resolving the diarrhea paradox
24/7 diners on every celestial body
an awkward silence in the car
how NFL teams got their names best of the year: editor's picks of 2022
if only my immigrant great grandfather could see me now, he'd say "where am i?" best of the year: editor's picks of 2022
three digit phone numbers to memorize next time you're in a jam
i love self-checkout because i never steal and i always pay for each of my items every time best of the year: editor's picks of 2022
brainstorm for dolly parton's google doodle
closing credits from the biopic of charles lindbergh's baby
i'm a 9 year old piano prodigy and pay no mind to the scars all over my body
whoever keeps spreading rumors around about me being really charming needs to stop it right now
the doctor says i need more cheese in my diet and that you can take it up with him if you disagree or think i'm lying because i'm not best of the year: editor's picks of 2021
how to do the impossible: getting water out of a tire
a layman's understanding of food recipes
quiz: pizza cutter wheel or a doctor's head mirror?
angel & devil on my shoulders can agree on one thing: the dandruff also on my shoulders is gross best of the year: editor's picks of 2020
witnesses describe a dueling piano bar performance that ended in bloodshed
i hope i didn't embarrass you by shitting my pants while we sat courtside at the laker game
robot butt
the very few potential reasons to celebrate anything on july 4th†
i think something might be going on
artificial-intelligence generated celebrity impersonations
trash can can't handle much more after empty shampoo bottle thrown away
father, why does our family tree go dark in the 1930s and '40s and then resurface in 1987?
i thought i had an okay car until an amber alert showed me that the abductors had a better one
where's waldo? he needs to pay for his crimes
dishonourable unmentionables
the lost final chapter of helen keller's biography
dishonour the right thing [ebook]
what i want to say to every guy with straight hair
exactly where i get off and how i sleep at night since you asked
a literal interpretation of "it's raining men"
alvin and the chipmunks' christmas song the year after alvin died
the benefits of living inside the queen piece on a giant outdoor chess board
the haven
demonstration of bullet points evoking my trauma for bullets
why do i even bother? it's all been said before in my novels
congratulations! it's been 1 day without an accident!
smokelong quarterly comedy prize 2021
age i was at my whitest: a comprehensive study (PDF)
† = collaboration with other writer(s)