negative reviews of Music edited by sia’s assistant so she wouldn’t get upset when she read them

an early draft of john cougar mellencamp’s song Small Town that used the phrase “small town” even more liberally than the final version

sheriff flirts with tumbleweed that has juicy, feminine lips


world record marathon times vs. how long it took to drive the same length

points in case

FAQ about the hell button i had installed in the elevator

broadcast of a baseball game between dads checking on a sound in the middle of the night with baseball bats and louisville slugger factory workers who test bats for quality assurance

breaking the news to my 85 year old grandpa that he missed halley's comet and it won't be back until 2061

the order of all things that has not at all been affected by my recent oil change

quiz: beekeeper suit or fencing uniform?

the total amount of money in each of our ​swear jars since 147 chilean rose hair tarantulas invaded our home as heard on Seersucker Live 2020

list: 20 more eerie coincidences between lincoln & JFK's assassinations


how to parallel park a limousine in a laser security maze


scooby doo's best man speech at shaggy's wedding


the email conversation i had with my middle school vice principal after repeatedly butt-dialing him while riding a mechanical bull


two fifty one

results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat

guilt-induced monologue: blaming yourself 

a list of every notable person who wore a hitler mustache

weekly humorist

the doctor says i need more cheese in my diet and that you can take it up with him if you disagree or think i'm lying because i'm nor

no, i don't have a gambling problem and here's the bank statement from my trip to the carnival to prove it

how to do the impossible: getting water out of a tire

a layman's understanding of food recipes

quiz: pizza cutter wheel or a doctor's head mirror?

angel & devil on my shoulders can agree on one thing: the dandruff also on my shoulders is gross best of the year: editor's picks of 2020

witnesses describe a dueling piano bar performance that ended in bloodshed

unearthed time capsule reveals nothing but this written explanation by a procrastinating time capsule committee from 1979

robot butt

negative reviews of Waterworld edited by Kevin Costner's assistant so he wouldn't get upset when he read them

the very few potential reasons to celebrate anything on july 4th

i think something might be going on

artificial-intelligence generated celebrity impersonations

flexx magazine

trash can can't handle much more after empty shampoo bottle thrown away


father, why does our family tree go dark in the 1930s and '40s and then resurface in 1987?

i thought i had an okay car until an amber alert showed me that the abductors had a better one

where's waldo? he needs to pay for his crimes

dishonourable unmentionables

the lost final chapter of helen keller's biography


dishonour the right thing [ebook]

what i want to say to every guy with straight hair

what's the best part about your entire family dying from covid-19? the serene thanksgiving you'll have this year!

exactly where i get off and how i sleep at night since you asked

little old lady comedy

a literal interpretation of "it's raining men"

alvin and the chipmunks' christmas song the year after alvin died

the benefits of living inside the queen piece on a giant outdoor chess board


the haven

demonstration of bullet points evoking my trauma for bullets

why do i even bother? it's all been said before in my novels

excerpts from the Cast Away script where wilson the volleyball’s internal monologue was voiced by sir david attenborough

congratulations! it's been 1 day without an accident!

hey! it’s me—your tiniest female friend—who’s texting you because this guy’s been following me for 15 blocks so if i stop replying you should call

† = collaboration with other writer(s)