everything or selected works

slackjaw

oh no, i just realized i'll never be able to see the elephant's foot at chernobyl!

hello, i'm alfonso cuarón and i desperately need help deciding what my next project should be

the 51 terms for snow that i invented to one up the inuits

a rhyme to help remember the former presidents of the smiling hill farm company, family-owned since 1720

 

the many ways to pronounce potato and tomato

i'm the foley artist whose movie won the palme d'or and now i teach NYU students – 50K a semester – how i created all the sound effects with my ass

excuse me, one of the strippers stole my hat and i'd appreciate if i could have it back please 

negative reviews of Music edited by sia’s assistant so she wouldn’t get upset when she read them

an early draft of john cougar mellencamp’s song Small Town that used the phrase “small town” even more liberally than the final version

sheriff flirts with tumbleweed that has juicy, feminine lips

 

world record marathon times vs. how long it took to drive the same length

points in case

no, i didn't name my child michael jordackson so he'd aspire for greatness as an nba player or world-renowned musician (featured)

signs that the person you're talking to might be from new york

the yard work will have to wait until i recover from this nasty case of havana syndrome

i mcthink there was mcsomething in that mcchicken

an open letter to people who hold up their middle finger in instagram photos

SIR, I AM NOT PLEASURING MYSELF TO THE PIN-UP GIRLS PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF THE WARPLANES, SIR

parallel universes where a football coach wins the game and the team dumps gatorade on him (featured)

words and phrases banned from the U.S. mint staff email where employees print $38 million a day for $40,000 a year (featured)

aphorisms from the notebook of a guy who is really into cured meats

 

secret menu from the long john silver's next to an apartment that sells adderall 

my family is going to be so surprised when i jump out of this paper refuse bag today, yard waste collection day

 

farm to table. table to fork. fork to mouth. food to throat. air to throat. hands to chest. hands to chest. hands to chest. (featured)

on second thought, swallowing my car keys to avoid getting carjacked was probably a bad idea (featured)

i finished making my first batch of chardonnay and i'm looking forward to selling it in 17 years

suggestions from the suggestion box at my teppanyaki restaurant where i make all the food with my bare hands (featured)

now that i've power washed my marriage proposal to you, i guess i can't finish power washing the rest of the driveway

SORRY I HAVE TO YELL OVER THE MUSIC IN THIS NIGHTCLUB BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE SUCCUMBING TO ENNUI BRO  (featured)

FAQ about the hell button i had installed in the elevator  (featured)

broadcast of a baseball game between dads checking on a sound in the middle of the night with baseball bats and louisville slugger factory workers who test bats for quality assurance  (featured)

breaking the news to my 85 year old grandpa that he missed halley's comet and it won't be back until 2061

the order of all things that has not at all been affected by my recent oil change

quiz: beekeeper suit or fencing uniform?

the total amount of money in each of our ​swear jars since 147 chilean rose hair tarantulas invaded our home as heard on Seersucker Live 2020

list: 20 more eerie coincidences between lincoln & JFK's assassinations

 

how to parallel park a limousine in a laser security maze

 

scooby doo's best man speech at shaggy's wedding

 

the email conversation i had with my middle school vice principal after repeatedly butt-dialing him while riding a mechanical bull

 

two fifty one

the lyrics to kool & the gang by the band kool & the gang off their debut album "kool and the gang"

results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat

guilt-induced monologue: blaming yourself 

a list of every notable person who wore a hitler mustache

weekly humorist

if only my immigrant great grandfather could see me now, he'd say "where am i?"

three digit phone numbers to memorize next time you're in a jam

i love self-checkout because i never steal and i always pay for each of my items every time

brainstorm for dolly parton's google doodle

closing credits from the biopic of charles lindbergh's baby

we're the restaurant underneath the eiffel tower and people have traveled from all over the world to eat our food!

i'm a 9 year old piano prodigy and pay no mind to the scars all over my body

 

wow, i thought i was having a psychotic episode but it was just that weird suction noise my water bottle makes

whoever keeps spreading rumors around about me being really charming needs to stop it right now

the doctor says i need more cheese in my diet and that you can take it up with him if you disagree or think i'm lying because i'm not best of the year: editor's picks of 2021

no, i don't have a gambling problem and here's the bank statement from my trip to the carnival to prove it

how to do the impossible: getting water out of a tire

a layman's understanding of food recipes

quiz: pizza cutter wheel or a doctor's head mirror?

angel & devil on my shoulders can agree on one thing: the dandruff also on my shoulders is gross best of the year: editor's picks of 2020

witnesses describe a dueling piano bar performance that ended in bloodshed

unearthed time capsule reveals nothing but this written explanation by a procrastinating time capsule committee from 1979

robot butt

negative reviews of Waterworld edited by Kevin Costner's assistant so he wouldn't get upset when he read them

the very few potential reasons to celebrate anything on july 4th

i think something might be going on

artificial-intelligence generated celebrity impersonations

flexx magazine

trash can can't handle much more after empty shampoo bottle thrown away

 

father, why does our family tree go dark in the 1930s and '40s and then resurface in 1987?

i thought i had an okay car until an amber alert showed me that the abductors had a better one

where's waldo? he needs to pay for his crimes

dishonourable unmentionables

the lost final chapter of helen keller's biography

 

dishonour the right thing [ebook]

what i want to say to every guy with straight hair

what's the best part about your entire family dying from covid-19? the serene thanksgiving you'll have this year!

exactly where i get off and how i sleep at night since you asked

little old lady comedy

a literal interpretation of "it's raining men"

alvin and the chipmunks' christmas song the year after alvin died

the benefits of living inside the queen piece on a giant outdoor chess board

the haven

demonstration of bullet points evoking my trauma for bullets

why do i even bother? it's all been said before in my novels

excerpts from the Cast Away script where wilson the volleyball’s internal monologue was voiced by sir david attenborough

congratulations! it's been 1 day without an accident!

hey! it’s me—your tiniest female friend—who’s texting you because this guy’s been following me for 15 blocks so if i stop replying you should call the...hm...

smokelong quarterly comedy prize 2021

age i was at my whitest: a comprehensive study (PDF)

† = collaboration with other writer(s)

circle-mark-png-6-Transparent-Images.png
purepng_edited.png
1200px-Fairy_With_Wand.svg.png