everything or selected works

slackjaw

why do i have to identify john lennon's dead body if he's one of the most identifiable people of all time?

you don't like my bedazzled crown of thorns? wow, so now you're persecuting me like i'm Jesus Christ

oh no, i just realized i'll never be able to see the elephant's foot at chernobyl!

a rhyme to help remember the former presidents of the smiling hill farm company, family-owned since 1720

the many ways to pronounce potato and tomato

excuse me, one of the strippers stole my hat and i'd appreciate if i could have it back please 

an early draft of john cougar mellencamp’s song Small Town that used the phrase “small town” even more liberally than the final version

sheriff flirts with tumbleweed that has juicy, feminine lips

 

world record marathon times vs. how long it took to drive the same length

points in case

what i said in the handshake line after the hockey game where i told the media we'd win, sang a taunting rendition of the national anthem, talked way too much trash, and lost fifteen to zero

no, i didn't name my child michael jordackson so he'd aspire for greatness as an nba player or world-renowned musician (featured)

SIR, I AM NOT PLEASURING MYSELF TO THE PIN-UP GIRLS PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF THE WARPLANES, SIR

parallel universes where a football coach wins the game and the team dumps gatorade on him (featured)

words and phrases banned from the U.S. mint staff email where employees print $38 million a day for $40,000 a year (featured)

farm to table. table to fork. fork to mouth. food to throat. air to throat. hands to chest. hands to chest. hands to chest. (featured)

on second thought, swallowing my car keys to avoid getting carjacked was probably a bad idea (featured)

suggestions from the suggestion box at my teppanyaki restaurant where i make all the food with my bare hands (featured)

SORRY I HAVE TO YELL OVER THE MUSIC IN THIS NIGHTCLUB BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE SUCCUMBING TO ENNUI BRO  (featured)

FAQ about the hell button i had installed in the elevator  (featured)

broadcast of a baseball game between dads checking on a sound in the middle of the night with baseball bats and louisville slugger factory workers who test bats for quality assurance  (featured)

the total amount of money in each of our ​swear jars since 147 chilean rose hair tarantulas invaded our home as heard on Seersucker Live 2020

 

list: 20 more eerie coincidences between lincoln & JFK's assassinations

scooby doo's best man speech at shaggy's wedding

 

two fifty one

the lyrics to kool & the gang by the band kool & the gang off their debut album "kool and the gang"

results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat

a list of every notable person who wore a hitler mustache

weekly humorist

how NFL teams got their names

i love self-checkout because i never steal and i always pay for each of my items every time

closing credits from the biopic of charles lindbergh's baby

we're the restaurant underneath the eiffel tower and people have traveled from all over the world to eat our food!

i'm a 9 year old piano prodigy and pay no mind to the scars all over my body

whoever keeps spreading rumors around about me being really charming needs to stop it right now

the doctor says i need more cheese in my diet and that you can take it up with him if you disagree or think i'm lying because i'm not best of the year: editor's picks of 2021

a layman's understanding of food recipes

angel & devil on my shoulders can agree on one thing: the dandruff also on my shoulders is gross best of the year: editor's picks of 2020

unearthed time capsule reveals nothing but this written explanation by a procrastinating time capsule committee from 1979

flexx magazine

trash can can't handle much more after empty shampoo bottle thrown away

 

father, why does our family tree go dark in the 1930s and '40s and then resurface in 1987?

i thought i had an okay car until an amber alert showed me that the abductors had a better one

smokelong quarterly comedy prize 2021

age i was at my whitest: a comprehensive study (PDF)

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