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had
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slackjaw​
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as much as i miss her, it was grandma's time to walk with the grim reapster
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i think the red line crossing out the swastika on your shirt could be a tad thicker
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i was really moved by your beautiful trombone solo until you pressed a button and made the instrument ejaculate a liter of spit​
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you don't like my bedazzled crown of thorns? wow, so now you're persecuting me like i'm Jesus Christ​
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oh no, i just realized i'll never be able to see the elephant's foot at chernobyl!​
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the many ways to pronounce potato and tomato​
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excuse me, one of the strippers stole my hat and i'd appreciate if i could have it back please ​
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sheriff flirts with tumbleweed that has juicy, feminine lips
world record marathon times vs. how long it took to drive the same length
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man, i've been killing it (my will to live)!​ (editors' picks)
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easy "would you rather..." questions (featured in A Newsletter of Humorous Writing)
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i've got good news and bad news​
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biblical figures stub their toe
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i don't feel like the dish soap we fed those oil-covered ducks really did anything helpful​
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no, i didn't name my child michael jordackson so he'd aspire for greatness as an nba player or world-renowned musician (featured)
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SIR, I AM NOT PLEASURING MYSELF TO THE PIN-UP GIRLS PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF THE WARPLANES, SIR
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parallel universes where a football coach wins the game and the team dumps gatorade on him (featured)
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words and phrases banned from the U.S. mint staff email where employees print $38 million a day for $40,000 a year (featured)
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on second thought, swallowing my car keys to avoid getting carjacked was probably a bad idea (featured)
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suggestions from the suggestion box at my teppanyaki restaurant where i make all the food with my bare hands (featured)
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FAQ about the hell button i had installed in the elevator (featured)
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broadcast of a baseball game between dads checking on a sound in the middle of the night with baseball bats and louisville slugger factory workers who test bats for quality assurance (featured)
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the total amount of money in each of our ​swear jars since 147 chilean rose hair tarantulas invaded our home as heard on Seersucker Live 2020
list: 20 more eerie coincidences between lincoln & JFK's assassinations
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scooby doo's best man speech at shaggy's wedding
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i got two words for you: help me​
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last surviving witnesses to historical maritime events​
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i'm out of order? you're out of order! this whole court is out of order!​
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can you turn off the heart monitor while i perform this surgery, it​'s making me really nervous
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if you gave me money, i wouldn't be mad​
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worst times to play the name game
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results of the survey I conducted asking people if they like my new hat​
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you want me to talk? what's next, i gotta sing and dance?​
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how NFL teams got their names best of the year: editor's picks of 2022
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i love self-checkout because i never steal and i always pay for each of my items every time best of the year: editor's picks of 2022
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closing credits from the biopic of charles lindbergh's baby​
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i'm a 9 year old piano prodigy and pay no mind to the scars all over my body
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whoever keeps spreading rumors around about me being really charming needs to stop it right now
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the doctor says i need more cheese in my diet and that you can take it up with him if you disagree or think i'm lying because i'm not best of the year: editor's picks of 2021​
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a layman's understanding of food recipes​​
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angel & devil on my shoulders can agree on one thing: the dandruff also on my shoulders is gross best of the year: editor's picks of 2020
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trash can can't handle much more after empty shampoo bottle thrown away
father, why does our family tree go dark in the 1930s and '40s and then resurface in 1987?
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i thought i had an okay car until an amber alert showed me that the abductors had a better one
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smokelong quarterly comedy prize 2021​
age i was at my whitest: a comprehensive study (PDF)
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